This is a bag, upon which I wrote the word "GRUMP" down the sides.
Within the bag is trash, mainly Dog Shit and Cigarette Butts, which I collected.
I'm a smoker, but I'm a self governing smoker. Plus... Marb Lights are for trashy people and their kids, and this assertion I stand behind, especially considering that 99.9% of the butts I collected were of that variety.
I'd also like to add that I'm not a dog owner.
Why would someone set aside a Saturday afternoon to pick up Dog Shit?
I can answer this question.
It's so I can yell, to a man bicycling with his daughter "This next mile of trail is Shit Free!" with complete impunity.
More importantly, it's so I've got skin in the game, it's so I can bitch, it's so I can call this stretch of trail "My Trail."
We'd like to think there's some municipal functionary overlooking the trail, but there's not.
You think Code Enforcement officer Carl Mcarthy is going to pick up after your dog?
You think he's gonna ticket you for being an asshole with an off-leash, auxiliary asshole running boundless through the trail doing, literally, what assholes do?
Fuck No!
I can't get that guy to do much, except check things out.
This is Bear Shit.
If you see it, it means a bear has come through.
This is Horse Shit.
If you see it, it means a rich person has come through.
I want to talk to you about dog shit!
Puget Sound Comedian, Brett Hamil, has the best idea, ever, for dealing with people who leave dog shit laying about the commons. I highly suggest you get in front of him to hear it. Something he'll also jeer about is how - after all the work you put into getting dog shit off your shoe - it never feels clean.
That's funny because IT'S FUCKING TRUE!!!!
Dog Shit is fucking foul.
Unlike horse shit and bear shit, rain can't turn dog shit into berry pits and grass.
What you feed your dog is foul to begin with.
Slaughterhouses discard meat unfit for humans. That meat gets treated by nasty chemicals, so the FDA need never worry that someone is going to sneak that meat into your fast food.
That awful, chemical laced meat, that's in your dogs' food, is so foul that dogs actually reject it, so it's coated in fat to trick your dog into eating it.
You put that into your dog, and what drops out is literally the worst fucking thing you can find outside.
At Redmond Jr. High, in the 1990's, Dave Gillman (RIP) got ground-&-pounded by Lance Byson who screamed "I WRESTLE ON THESE MATS, I WRESTLE ON THESE MATS!!!"
Our gym teacher just stood over them, with a clip board, and watched.
That's how foul dog shit is.
Now I totally understand that a responsible dog owner, walking a 12 minute mile, on my trail, has the potential to spend up to 3.04 days a year, holding a baggy of shit.
I get it.
But, if your dog has taken 35 unattended shit's, on my trail, then you more than deserve today's 7 lb bag of shit, dumped in your yard.
Check this shit out!!!!
I know what you're thinking.
Did I take pictures of each shit pile that I cleaned up today?
FUCK NO!
I was done clearing the trail of shit when I came across that turd.
If you'd like to smell it, you can find it at the 104th st. crossing, right next to the shit-bag dispenser, which is right next to the trash can.
Now I'm going to call out a couple of our shitty neighbors.
This is some sort of rottweiler mix.
It looks a lot like the two owned by our thin, orange neighbor, who lets them run free in my trail.
A dog has to fuck up to be declared vicious, so I'm not going to call a rott mix vicious, but those who own these types of dogs usually lie on their insurance applications to avoid paying double in premium.
There's hard data suggesting that this lady is predisposing your kids to being bitten in the face.
If you're still not convinced, then behold the pinch collar.
Both her dogs wear these (off leash) and I'm pretty sure they wear these 24/7.
I have a Certificate of Merit in Novice Obedience and in the 1990's it was embarrassing to be seen with a dog wearing one of these.
They are the next generation of choke collars and they are designed to hurt dogs.
Some people use pain to control their animals.
Why would she let these dogs, which she needs to control with pain, run off leash on my trail?
Because when she's not hurting animals, she's a hip lady who lets her battle dogs run free in the wild grass.
Why would this thin, orange lady want to own battle dogs which she can't control?
Well I'm sure in her litany of reasons, like how sweet the breed is, she'll probably mention that these battle dogs lend to her sense of security... Just like the guns you have for protecting your home and sometimes let rattle around in the bed of your pick up truck when you cruise the suburbs!
"Hey! Your dog is taking a shit," I yelled to her through the rain.
"Oh! I'll get a baggy and clean that up!" she yelled back.
I wish I had stuck around to see her do it. Now I'm not 100% confident that she deserves to be called a shitty, awful bitch.
This corgi is of the black headed tris variety.
This corgi looks very similar to the one that belongs to the icy bitch who broke my heart today.
You can probably see these two running along Abbey road and down 104th passed the Jr. High.
When you ascend up to Emerald Heights, there's no shit at the top of the hill.
Do lazy dog owners just not try to take on the hill?
The icy bitch will.
"Do you need a baggy for your dog poop [to some how compensate for the fact that you're jogging with an off leash dog?]"
"No, I've got one, thank you," she replied with a smile.
"Oh can I take that for you? Is there shit in there?"
"No, it's empty."
"Oh okay." I gave her a thumbs up through my shit covered, rubber glove.
100 feet later I was in a spot I'd already cleaned, picking up warm, golden, corgi size turds.
What a shitty person.
This is not an open letter to her, but to her kid.
Dear kid,
I hope your mom fucks her boss and his wife finds out.
And if it just so happens that your dad is your mom's boss, then consider this a demonstration of my awesome powers.
-Neighbor out.
